Monkey House

As we’re working towards fixing up our house, we’ve dismantled some of the “work” the previous owners put into it.

One thing to know, before you try anything home-reno-ish… is that walls are never square. Floors are never level.

Back to the previous owners, then. Every time we pull out baseboards, flooring, lighting fixtures, or seemingly anything at all… we pull out thick, long strands of beige caulking. It’s like every gap they ever made, they just filled with caulk. Ran out of floorboards? No problem, fill in that 2-inch gap with caulk. The base of the new light fixture is too small for the existing hole? No worries, caulk the crap out of it… nobody will notice. No transition strip installed? Caulk. I’m surprised they didn’t patch the cracks in the driveway with caulk. (side note: “caulk” jokes are still funny to me… I’m not so sure Mama Monkey finds them as amusing, but she humours me)

Flash-forward to our current project, the renovation of our powder room. We searched for something to re-purpose as a vanity for months. We weren’t that picky; a used washstand, the right size of dresser, an oversized nightstand… almost anything would have done the trick. But alas, in the end we ended up getting something from The Home Depot (big surprise!). Exactly the right size, exactly the right look, and since the powder room was never meant to be our piece de resistance, we didn’t mind that it’s the same veneered particle board that people eventually upgrade OUT of. It was still an upgrade compared to what was there.

In any event, several problems arose, which we eventually solved. The important thing to note is that NONE of these involved using caulking:

1. At some point in time, new tiles were installed, but they only went to the edge of the previous vanity, leaving a “drop” when we ripped the old one out. Built up the “drop” area with plywood and a hardboard cover, and are planning to cover a remaining exposed gap with tile, hardwood, or stick-on tile. Not caulk.
2. walls are not square (they’re more like 92 degrees), so cabinet is not square. The back is more important, so we made that flush, and will fill the remaining gap in the front with a thin custom-sliced wedge of wood. Not caulk.
3. the same walls… not square… mean that the one-piece “cultured marble” (aka concrete with a ceramic glaze) top was not a fit. Had to use a flap-sanding disc in an angle grinder to create a “92 degree” angle from back to front, making the top a fit against the back and side walls. The right way to do it… not a cop-out by filling with caulk.
4. The top has a built-in backsplash but no “side-splash”. This will be made with glass tiles. But the top has a gentle curve leading into the built-in backsplash, which left a pretty big gap between the tiles and the back. Could just stick on the tiles, but I refuse to caulk it all up. Took out a rotary tool and ground (grinded? I should look that up) a recess for the tile. Still not abso-smurfly perfect, but anything more would have been excessive and pedantic. Bottom line: no caulk beyond the required.

I’m not against caulk of course. I just think you need to use it where it’s supposed to go. Like, NOT as a replacement floorboard or a driveway patch.

Greg

“CAULK CAULK CAULK CAULK” (juvenile, but fun!)

The Monkey House is undergoing renovation. It has been in one way or another since we bought this townhouse last August. The previous owners did not take great care of it and certainly never updated any of it. Luckily, despite negligence the bones are strong and we have the makings of a great home here.

Not sure if I’ll ever take the chance to describe each update (though the dishwasher story is a legend in my own mind) but here’s a short rundown of what we’ve done so far. Let’s call it a checklist for future memories of work done:

1. Painting (of course):
   • Main bedroom in dark brown and a medium (complementary) gray
   • Mama Monkey’s office (banana yellow; coincidence only)
   • Baby Monkey’s nursery (lime green)
   • Hallway including that god-awful tall space in the stairwell
   • upstairs doors
   • trim throughout
   • Ceilings…for each of those rooms…. oh how I hate ceilings
2. Baseboards in 2 rooms… 3rd on the way
3. Replacing switches and outlets throughout
4. Changed light fixtures in the kitchen, which included patching and repainting the ceiling
5. Installed new toilet in ensuite
6. New hallway light fixtures
7. Installed new Dishwasher
8. Changed out kitchen faucet and installed shutoff valves
9. Repaired garage door
10. Added Transition strips to all kinds of rooms that really needed them
11. Fixed (as best we could) bizarre choices made by previous owners
12. Pulled out reams and reams of caulking… folks, caulking is NOT the cure-all for every gap you see

This brings me to the real point of today: The Home Depot money-sponge.

You walk in there, and you can practically feel your pennies being drained out of their bank account one by one.

A few weeks ago, went in for… who knows what? I think it was some plywood and hardboard. Walked out with all that stuff, plus a hand tool (drywall saw), plus a power tool (DeWalt jigsaw). You could argue that I “needed” those things, but as I worked away on my project (using the jigsaw), I realized that I didn’t REAAaaallly need… the jigsaw. My lovely Stanley multi-purpose hand saw would have also worked.

Tonight, I walked in to get… a small amount of tiles (a $15 sheet) and some grout ($6 I was thinking). Walked out with a v-notch trowel (could have made do makeshifting something… I only need it for like, one stroke through the adhesive), adhesive (gotta have that PLUS the grout), grout, and a grout super-sponge (something other than a sponge would have worked). $45 for what in my head was going to be a $20 event. Now, I won’t claim this is the most expensive trip I’ve ever taken there, but it really drove home the point…

I have NEVER gone there and spent what we set out to spend.

But on the other hand, we also got great advice from a knowledgeable employee. I know we’ve all had the sales associate who didn’t know their stuff, but this is the third… fourth?… time that we’ve had expert help. Yeah, it was the expert that got me into the v-notched trowel (only another $3.50… she tried to find the smallest and cheapest one possible), but it’s also that expert who had me leaving the store feeling confident that we’d be able to pull off our first attempt at tiling.

So far? Home Depot is a bane to our bank account, but a boon to our renovation efforts. And not just for the merchandise.

OOoo Ooo!