Having our little monkey is just about the best thing ever. I can’t think of anything better offhand, despite having a bit of a crap day. But crap days are really… crappy….
As my wonderful readers (hi, all 3 of you!) know, Cole is a horrible sleeper. This led to a bit of burnout in his dad this weekend, and here’s why:
Everybody knows that when you have a child your life changes. I’m not unrealistic. Everyone knows that the way it changes boils down to: “it’s not your own life anymore.” What people mean by this is a combination of personal time (more of it is dedicated to your child) and responsibility (your priority is forever your child’s well being). This I understand and accept. But what has been burning me out is the lack of any downtime, or “sharpening your saw” as motivational speakers like to call it.
Weekday evenings: most parents put their child to bed, and can expect some hours of sleep from them. Some parents of young children even get 4-6 straight hours of sleep. Legend has it that some children will actually sleep through the night. I’ve never met anybody with a child like that, so I’m not saying that’s the norm, but apparently it happens. Our child wakes up after only 45 minutes of sleep. That’s not enough time to unwind with a TV show. It’s not enough time to watch a movie in 1, 2, or sometimes even 3 chunks. Sometimes we have to give up on the movie altogether. Alex’s parents can relate, because she was a difficult child. But so many other parents that try to glibly tell me, “It’s what you signed up for” just aren’t getting it. And it’s an easy thing to say when YOU have the child that sleeps for 2 hours or more at a time. When a 2-hour stretch sounds like heaven, you know there’s gotta be a breaking point. Luckily, this is usually resolved by the weekends, but if it’s not, there’s the potential for burnout.
The weekend: For the first time, I wasn’t looking forward to the weekend. Mostly because I was afraid it was going to be like last weekend, which wasn’t a great one. Weekends are supposed to be a time that you hang out with your family, have some fun, get some chores done, etc. It doesn’t happen with us for similar reasons as evening time. For the 2, 3, or 4 hours between naps that he’s awake, he needs constant supervision, as expected. But after each too-brief nap (45 minutes? Think you can get anything useful done? Not likely) this supervision period becomes more difficult. His tiredness builds up over the day so that half his waking time is fussy and cranky… doesn’t want to be held because he’s independent-minded, and he doesn’t want to be put down on the ground because he’s too tired to navigate himself around. Basically, our entire weekend was chewed up babysitting, but not the kind where you are “getting to know” your child or even teaching them, or even just having some quiet time with them. This is the kind of babysitting entirely occupied by alternating between 5 minutes of holding, 5 minutes of preventing exhaustion-induced head-donks, with a bit of “stop the baby from pestering the dogs” thrown in for good measure. Although weekends have their own problems, I’m looking forward to the “break” that the workday provides. How backwards is that?
This isn’t to say there weren’t some ups this weekend. It’s just easier to complain about the downs.
Sunday’s main “up” was at the pool. Naturally, it makes sense to get out of the house on the weekends no matter what… or you’ll feel like a prisoner. Our Sunday excursion was to the Nepean Sportsplex for some swimming. The little monkey had such a good time. Even when he was a bit chilly at first, he was giggling away splashing at the water. Then when we eventually made it to the “hot tub” (more like “really warm tub”), he was being extra-cute with half-asleep smiles and giggles, and was acting silly by using a toy water bucket as a hat. First time I’ve ever seen him joke around with a makeshift hat, and it was pretty funny to see. He also giggled at the warm shower while we rinsed off, and wasn’t TOO difficult in the car as he drifted toward a car-nap (yay!).
Suffice it to say, Alex and I will probably be spending a bit of time this week figuring out how to ensure that we don’t get burnt out. I gotta hand it to her, she’s even more worked than I am (handling the “back to sleep” routine while I make a blog entry) but manages to stay a bit fresher about it than I do.
All this to say:
a) I can’t wait to solve the mystery of his crap sleep and start enjoying a bit of downtime.
b) I don’t know how single parents do it. At least I have Alex doing 65% of the work. I don’t know what I’d do with 100% of it. Probably call babysitters more often.
We feel ya.
We’re super evil attachment parents, but at 10 months she was waking every hour on the hour to nurse and I almost dropped her in the chair since I was so exhausted. Let alone the resent I started to feel towards her when she wouldn’t sleep. That lead to a parental huddle and we (again, evil) decided to ignore her in the middle of the night (at 10 months) if she woke so that she’d settle and/or learn to sleep longer shifts. It broke my heart but the first night was 40 min, second night was 10 and 3rd night was zero. That was how we night weaned her, and without needing to eat, she stopped waking. we started putting her down at 7pm and waking up with her at 5-6am. I don’t know about y’all, but for us that saved our sanity AND our marriage. It just got to a breaking point. Again, evil, and I’m super ashamed to say that’s what we ended up doing, but 5 books later I was just so guilt-ridden and we couldnt even drive the car we were so tired. something just had to give for the health of all of us as a whole. And when we saw how much MORE chipper and happy she was when she woke in the morning it just melted away the guilt, because we saw it was good for her too. It takes people different times to get to that point though, and some never decide to. I have to attest to that one though. However, we still had to rock her to sleep in our arms to initially put her down. That continued until she was 18 months old (when the rocking had turned into 45 min to 2 hours!) and we just said “okay, new breaking point” and did a 2nd cycle of cry it out by establishing a bedtime, night routine, and gentle “to sleep” routine, but putting her down awake. (something along the lines of dinner, bath, rocking chair for 2 books, then night night to everything in the room, prayers, kiss and into the crib to sleep). Again, maybe two days of 20 min crying, but then bam, we’ve had 12 hrs of solid sleep ever since, and she goes to bed at 6pm and SAYS goodnight. I mean….
Again, every baby is different and so is every parent. But I have to throw that out there just because I just feel so much more empowered with potential baby #2 in terms of THERE IS AN END TO THIS PHASE!! It happens in all sorts of different ways, but as long as the two of you can agree and stick to a plan together, you’ll all make it. And man, when they DO learn to sleep, you love ‘em that much more.
I started seeing it as “cry it out” sounds evil, but with the amount of soothing and love we give her both before bed (and we make it lengthy) and when she wakes up, it’s like a mix between two parenting styles. We don’t just put her down and let her deal, we’ve come to an agreement where she KNOWS this is what to expect, and I think it makes her more secure. Before she’d cry every time she woke up, which in the end would have lead to a LOT more cumulative crying that the 2 or 3 hours TOTAL we ever heard by letting her “cry it out”. I don’t think the crying episodes at 10 and 18 months are in her memory today.
Just one side of the story. From a vetran.
And one who is actually VERY against the cry it out method!
ahem…sorry one more thing…
Could be TMI, but having so much more time together to relax, talk about our days, read a book…etc did wonders for our relationship. We’d wake up and hug in the morning, then go get her together to eat breakfast as a fam. When she cried doing our “method” we initially felt as though we were denying her something, or that we were breaking her heart. But now I see how she looks at us when we hug or kiss in the kitchen, and how much of a gift it is to give your children the pleasure of seeing their parents actively in love with each other. Again, different for everyone, but when we were sleep deprived and angry, we were at each others throats (of course!). Being able to have gotten through it together, and to come out stronger on the other side feels amazing. One of the books I read just kept repeating that even though getting babysitters feels like neglecting your child quote “don’t underestimate the gift of a solid marriage to your children”. Essentially, nurturing yourselves and your “recharge time” is also nurturing Cole. Just another perspective.
By the way, I look to you guys for parenting advice all the time and think you’re wonderful. Whatever you decide (hell, if you make cosleeping work more long-term then fabulous!) will be right for you. You’ll succeed at something I wanted in my heart, but just didn’t work out for us.
END OF MESSAGES!
Wowee, thanks for your thoughtful reply!
Looks like we’re struggling with the same issues. Neither of us wants to “Cry it Out,” yet the more time that goes by, the more challenging it is to have a crappy sleeper.
Certainly is good to hear that not only did you guys find an approach that worked in terms of sleep, but one that also worked in terms of resolving any potential feelings of guilt. With any luck we’ll figure something out.
The re-energizing days help. He wakes up cute. Spends the whole day having fun, is happy to see you and interact with you. We had one of those days today, unfortunately punctuated by a horrible bedtime.
Thanks for your kind words! Holy Jumpin, if you ever want to write a guest post, let me know. LOL!
Children are a blessing and a test I think. A test you can’t fail as long as you continue to love. You do the best you can regardless of what “people” or “expert” say. They do not live in your house. They do not keep your hours or feel you pain. For years I felt that if I somehow had done ” something” different Alie would have slept like those “normal” kids I kept hearing about. She didn’t – but look at what a wonderful person she has turned out to be!! Was it worth it?? Definitely!!! Wouldn’t change it for the world. Were we exhausted, frustrated, anxious about our parenting skills?? Surely was but looking back I know we did the best we could, the best thing for the little person in our care and we all survived!! 30 years later I can say that I would not change anything. I tried the “let her yell it out” almost had a nervous breakdown and the hours just kept on mounting and never got any better until I gave it up as none of us were any the wiser, better or more rested for it all. We co-slept when nobody else was doing it because it was the best thing for our sanity and Alie’s fractured sleep. I once told the doctor that she was doing fine but I was a basket case – and NOBODY-absolutely Nobody knowingly signs up for this misery believe me-this is parenthood with a twist!!. The bottom line is that it does get better and you will always wonder how you survived. We survive because we must and we must because we care so deeply about our child. Nobody know better than Brian and I what you are going thru- and suffice it to say, it’s not fun, it’s not easy but it does get better . Our marriage survived, our child survived(I wouldn’t ever have left her with a babysitter for fear they’d just kill her and have done with it!!) you too will survive just take what time you can for yourself and Alie and recharge your batteries when you can. You have a wonderful little boy who is so smart and so interested in the world he just can’t waste time sleeping!! He will grow up, he will sleep and one day sooner than you think you’ll wish he would wake up and spend some time with you!!
Thanks so much for that. Love this one: “You have a wonderful little boy who is so smart and so interested in the world he just can’t waste time sleeping!!” which is an observation I think all the grandparents as well as Alie and I share.
Tonight I crashed at around 8pm with him down on the futon next to me. Woke up to the usual “Huh? Eh?” sounds as he woke up after his first stretch of sleep. Looked over and he was already standing (still basically asleep), getting ready to explore the world. Everything in the very core of his being says “sleep is a waste,” and the split second he’s even partially awake, his body jumps into activity! “Eh? Eh? ”
It’s good to be reminded that even though things can be miserable, they will ultimately turn out fine. Alie is the most wonderful and amazing person in the world, and she started out as this sleepless terror.
“He will grow up, he will sleep and one day sooner than you think you’ll wish he would wake up and spend some time with you!!”
Makes me sad just thinking about this inevitable truth. I’ll try my best to cherish the sleepless nights, even when they’re frustrating. I sure do love our little guy.
Whatever you guys decide to try I am sure he will turn out fine. If you decide to try Natalie’s way remember she was very lucky to have it work for them in such a short period of time. When Greg was a baby he had a lot of ear infections and ended up being spoilt by having to be rocked to sleep everynight. When we decided to break him of that it took us almost a month of him crying himself to sleep everynight. I would have to go and turn the TV up so I couldn’t hear him as much. Luckily Shauna managed to sleep through it all. It is worth trying to break him of it but you will have to be prepared to listen to him scream for many nights. Sooner or later he will sleep through the night. It is your child and your decision.
Parenting can be a challenge. All of us parents have gone through the same situation to one degree or another, and you know what? You all turned out to be pretty well adjusted. I don’t think you should have to feel guilty about doing things that are necessary to promote well being in the family. Personally I don’t remember what happened to me when I was that young and I don’t think Cole will either. Separation can be good for both parents and the child, allowing both to have a little space, I think even babies need it although they don’t realize it yet. Then again I could be completely wrong.
I couldn’t have said it when I was a baby, but I’ll say it now: Sorry mom! I know the ear infections weren’t my fault but damn, when I wasn’t suffering from an infection I should have let you have some peace. Sorry!
Yeah, we’re still on status quo for the time being. I don’t know if we’ve gotten adjusted to his new phase or something, but it seems a little bit easier (at least for me) this past week. We’ll see what happens.
Separation is definitely good in certain ways, though our style of “Attachment parenting” even just by the name itself shows that the separation comes in particular ways. In our case, it’s daycare, time with his grandparents and aunts, naptimes, and the first phase of nighttime sleep. It’s not always enough for the parents’ sanity, but we keep it together and recover from it so far!
Thanks for taking time during your vacation to read my long-ass post and leave comments!